How Do I Say Goodbye?

Every morning as I laced up my sneakers; young and shy

I’d say goodbye

Before I’d hike up the school bus; it was easy then

I wasn’t thinking how I’d see your face that night; worn from work

A conversation; a moment in your lap; what a perk

But when I think of the goodbye ahead

I can’t fathom that

How do I say goodbye for the rest of my life?

As I grew I never quite could wrap my head around

The distance you placed between us, and how it would compound

The drives to school bright and early; ready and waiting for

A word and complement; anything

All I wanted was a bit of your affirmation and time

Perhaps, maybe a nursery rhyme

It was easy to say goodbye then

But when I think of the goodbye ahead

I can’t fathom that

How do I say goodbye for the rest of my life?

By and by though I would mature,

And have to say goodbye after the sun fell

And I secretly hoped

You’d wait for me to come in and be well

You wouldn’t and you didn’t

I persisted to keep my thoughts hidden

It was easy to say goodbye then

But when I think of the goodbye ahead

I can’t fathom that

How do I say goodbye for the rest of my life?

A goodbye for the day: simple

“See ya later.”

A goodbye for a week: more affectionate

“Have a good week.”

A month; and year: complicated and prolonged

“Take care; call if you need anything; don’t forget to do…”

And as I’ve grown

There is forgiveness, peace and gratitude

For the time we’ve reconciled

Over the youthful confusion I harbored towards you

When I think of the near imminent future 

I can’t think of how I can

Or will

Be able to

Say goodbye

And even when

Memories replay, rewind and replay again

In my mind, as I think over the course

Of this most recent year

How difficult and draining it has been

I am grateful for just

The time

To be with you

All the same though

When I think of the goodbye ahead

I can’t fathom that

How do I say goodbye for the rest of my life?

For a dad who would carry me when I was young and couldn’t speak

I now do that for you

I carry you; even when you can’t speak

For a dad who fed and watered me out of parental instinct

I now do that for you

I feed you and give you drink out of loving instinct

For a dad who would tell stories of his youth and early years

When I was young and simply listened

I now do that for you

I tell you stories of the father you’ve been for me

Despite your inability to respond

I know you can hear me and are listening

As your time approaches

I see the signs of your body giving way

A little more; each and every day

And all I can do is just be

With you

And all I can do is

Grab some serenity

In knowing you will be at peace; and we will be at peace

As we’ve said our peace

Words become unnecessary

And we will just be

A loving expression

Of father and daughter

Truly I know

I will never be ready

For your last breath

Yet I give you my

Consent, to go from this world

And into the next

You know that I love you

So goodbye dad

But only for now…