Beautiful Goodbye

I can’t…

I can’t stop…

I can’t stop going back to us…

As much as I wish...

And as much as I try…

I can’t erase the memories…

I can’t erase those stupid, wonderful memories of us…

It seemed so right; our connection was so tight. The moment we met - that silly mix up of a first encounter. I mistook a stranger for you; because what are the odds two couples would meet for the first time on the same street corner? I took it as a funny first time mix up - like a good luck sign. Silly me! Stupid me! You were so kind - a gentle soul I could tell. And five hours later it was the most natural I have felt on a first date. Was it your spell?

Tell me…

Tell me please…

Do you think about me…

Do you think about me, like I think about you…?

The way you enchanted me on that third date; I thought: was it fate? The soft subtle look of seduction in your eyes as you looked at me over your Ray Bans as I opened the door in response to your text, “I’m here.”  Butterflies - sweet butterflies. Those damn sweet butterflies! A creative date that started in the warm, bright presence of the sun. And as the ten hours flew by, we bid goodbye as you walked me to my door, and kissed me goodnight at midnight.  It was our first, and I was glowing. You had me hooked. Was that real as you think of your repeal?

How could...

How could I forget...

How could I forget how you made me feel…

You never pressured me and were always a gentleman. Your chivalry was unparalleled. Every door you opened; every bill you insisted on footing; the compliments ever flowing and pure; you initiated so many of our steps. And the respect; you never treated me like an object! A man who took me to Mass every week. You even welcomed the opportunity to pray with me - I was all but in grateful glee! A man who not only told me how beautiful I was, but didn’t shy away from real conversations with controversy; with dirt and grime; and talks that wasn’t always pretty or easy. You were always willing to roll up your sleeves. And all the same, you still came after me. It seemed genuine and true. Was it; was it genuine then? Or was I the fool in this game for two?

I wish…

I wish I could…

I wish I could ease...

I wish I could ease the reminiscence of you…

You weren’t just kind in word and deed; you were generous with time and treasure! And it always seemed to be your pleasure! You really did take the lead! Certainly a romantic at heart! That night you asked me. It was perfect! A stormy night, and we had each other to ourselves. We cooked together; ate and toasted together; and cozied up and watched a rental together. Credits proceeded and as we were wrapped in each others embrace, listing to the soft lyrics of Michael Buble as the sound of the rain wrapped us in that moment, we sighed in content; without a single word. And it was good; it was so, so good. As we soaked up the moment with each other, you proceeded by reaching for a box, before presenting it to me. A gift? For me? That necklace (sigh) that necklace had so much meaning and thought. The pearls; the leather strand; and the Catholic hallmark icon. A bit of you, a bit of me; and our Catholic faith at the center of it all. As I sat, listening to you - not knowing what time it was - you asked me to be yours. And in that moment, I smiled with a sigh. My answer was yes. We were so happy then. Tell me please, was that real? Or was it just perhaps a facade and I was simply your cough syrup, or perhaps your distraction?

If only...

If only I could stop…

If only I could stop thinking…

If only I could stop thinking of us….

The night you met my mother; let’s not forget you meeting my brother. They were so excited to meet you.  And the way Joey’s face lit up; and the way his face perked up when you told him you’d play video games with him. You can’t understand how much that gesture meant to him, and how much that gesture meant to me. Yet again - you fooled me! I was the sucker! And you’ll never know the face of disappointment I faced on him when I told him you wouldn't be playing with him. “What…? But...why? I was really looking forward to playing with him. What happened between you two Barbara?!” “I’m sorry Joey, I was looking forward to a lot with him too Joey...believe me.” Let’s not forget how I met your brother and his significant other. They were so warm and welcoming. We had such a lovely time chatting and munching! And their little boy - your nephew - he was so cute to hold! I felt so content and at ease with them - I thought for sure I received their confirmation and their affirmation.

Does…

Does the feeling…

Does the feeling of my touch…

...does it linger the way yours lingers on me?

Your touch; the memory of your touch still is haunting. It was so kind; it was so gentle and sweet; and it was so comforting and curing. Yet, this task of letting it fade is daunting; as I feel it to be taunting. I felt safe in your arms. You had a way about you. The way you’d play with the rings on my fingers; and the way you’d caress my fingers - slowly...one by one, gently and slowly. It was so sweet. The times you held my face; the moments you ran your fingers through my hair in your firm embrace; in your safe warm embrace. I miss your sweet, firm affection; it was so sensual. Feeling the rhythm of your breath, and the trace of your scent. When our eyes locked, and you gazed into my eyes; and it put you in awe. I thought maybe I was putting a spell on you as well. But I suppose I was the only one that fell. How do I undo the feeling and the impact of your touch?  

Do you…

Do you remember…

Do you remember the feeling from that night…?

The night in the rain. A moment so plain. I walked you out to bid you goodnight. You took me in so close, and pulled my hood over my head before you did your own; and our foreheads kissed before our lips touched, and touched again, and again and again. And as the drops from the evening sky began to soak us with each passing moment, neither one of us had the slightest care of it at all. Surly time must have slowed down in that plain moment; that simple beautiful plain moment. How could I forget your nervous question for permission in that moment as well! It was so playful; and it was so funny and sweet. And as I gave you my consent, and we both smiled in simple joy; I thought: he likes what he sees.

If only…

If only I could

If only I could have a case of amnesia.

It would…

It would fade away…

It would fade away the bittersweet memories…

Tell me, where is the stop button on this track? Then maybe I can take your words off repeat. Please, tell me how to make ‘em stop playing back to back. They were such sweet words you said to me. Do you recall? Did you consider those words before you served them to me? “I treasure you.” Did you mean it? “Being next to you is so lively and warm. Your company is really nice and warm hearted and I appreciate it." Were those words you said genuine and true; or was it just lip service too? “I care about you.” “You are so sweet, thoughtful, supportive and understanding.” Were those words honest and true too? “I can’t wait to see you and be with you,” “I’m here for you.” and "I'm happy you're in my life." Tell me, were those sayings bona fide? Even the pet names…”babe,” “sunshine” “Barbara Jean,” and my favorite “my darling.” Tell me, was the intentionality in your spoken affection true? Because their effect has reversed and now making me blue.    

The image...

The image of you

The image of you walking towards me…

...it remains...

The flashbacks of you walking towards me, and the feeling of weakness I felt. Your presence undeniably made me melt. The glow in your handsome smile; the look of your dapper style; the sweet glow in your eyes; the smooth comb of your suave hair; and your devenere physique; and to recall that image of you wanting me. Your pursuit of me; and your desire of me was heartwarming. Was it authentic; was it legitimate?   

And…

And that long…

And that long, lasting goodbye…

It came out of thin air; that night you ended our love affair. You had me convinced; you had me hooked; and I never saw it coming. You really did have me blind sighted. Everything was going so smooth and swell! Yet as you started the beginning to our end, I couldn’t believe it. No! Why?! It’s not fair - we were such a great pair! I was so numb; dumbfounded and hurt. What could I say? Was it me? What did I do wrong? I was so shattered - because for the first time I really thought I had found a special someone. You really built my hopes up. I begged and bargained, and I asked all the questions. And as you sat with me - patient and kind - I knew the one reason why was indeed significant. And your one reason why...was my one and only red flag, as I moved forward with you. It finally caught up to you. I didn’t care though; I didn’t want to let you go! And as I asked all kinds of questions, and you answered every single one; the reality was weighing stronger and heavier; till finally the tears came rushing out and I buried my face. I buried my heartbroken face next to you, and I wept in sorrowful tears! That last meal we shared I don’t regret; even if it was under a different mindset. A beautiful location, and a delicious meal; and even though we were both somber, the space and the view combined with the presence of you made it somehow sweet. And for what it’s worth, thank you for that generous gift - it was truly bittersweet!

And as much as you still cross my mind; and as much as I miss you; and as much I struggle with letting your memory fade; and as much as I am still sad that we had to end, I know you were still a gift to me - even if it was brief. Perhaps God knew that I needed you for the short time we had; to show me what it truly means to be treated like a lady; and what it truly looks like to be pursued with intentionality, romance and respect; and to know what that all really, authentically feels like. And maybe God put you in my life to show me how a true man (and true gentleman) treats and pursues a woman. You truly have set the bar high - and for that I am grateful! Despite our end, I am still grateful for my time with you, and our time together!

And maybe - just maybe - I was a gift to you as well. Maybe God knew you needed me - even for that short time. In a time when you were so bruised and battered; your heart had been stretched to it’s limits and taken for granted. In your words, “you’re such a breath of fresh air.” For what it’s worth, I am glad; and I am grateful that I could be a comforting presence to you. I am glad to have shared our faith and prayer together, and for it to feel so true!. I am grateful to be open, honest and willing to ease your worries, and redefine some status quos too. I am glad to be a woman to be supportive of you; to be a woman to show you care, faith and humor. I’m honored to be this kind of comforting woman to you; for our time to be a way for you to renew. I am happy to act in a way that was heartwarming and healing for you. And for what it’s worth, I sincerely hope you take our time and treasure it the way I do, and take it to know how you deserve to be treated and treasured!  

And please…

And please know…

Please know that I meant...

I meant every word that I said; and I still do. You have a good heart and a kind soul. And as the days pass one by one, since we said our last goodbye, I still think of you; and I wonder do you too? Does the memory of me still idle, perhaps like fleeting deja vu? I wonder how you are, and I sincerely hope and pray you are doing well to take care and be true. I know you have a long road ahead, but remember that God has you. Keep your head up, and that faithful heart up times one hundred and two! The clouds will clear and the warm sun will shine on you again; of this I have no doubt to be true!

With warm caring affection,

Your Barbara Jean