“Every woman is beautiful; it just takes the right man, at the right
time, in the right manner to see it.”
~Unknown
I’m not one to kiss and tell; so when it comes to dating,
I’m pretty private! Most that transpires
between any eligible bachelor in question and me I keep to myself; okay and
maybe a couple of close friends I can count on.
Other than those select ones I’m closed lipped and keep that slice of my
life close to my chest.
For almost a year, I have actively dated some select few men;
and in that same year took a hiatus from that same activity. It was an intentional decision I made to go
on this ever growing, and ever socially acceptable (and now almost expected)
online dating scene. Coffee Meets Bagel
and Hinge were my daily sources of eligible bachelors. Like fishing, I casted out my net. I posted my best angles, my best filters, my
best, fill in the blank, and I wrote about all my great qualities. Like a job search, I brushed up my personal
resume – complete with my best head shots, and full body photo ops! Because, let’s be honest, online dating is
like a job search.
In all my life, I don’t think I have ever dated as
actively. Personally speaking, I tend to let things happen organically, or “the old fashioned way.” And in the wake of my father’s death two and
a half years ago I had to shake off some grief and extra weight, to get back to
me (so to speak) before I was ready and confident to put myself out there
again. Then, to discover this world of
working professionals who didn’t find their soulmate in high school or college,
and are left to an array of forums ranging from the hookup option that Tinder
offers to the in depth questionnaire and ticket price of eHarmony I was substantially
overwhelmed!
In a little more than a half year span I went on more first
dates than I can remember, a fair number of second and third dates, and dated a
couple different men fairly steadily for some months. I should probably say right now, I am not
seeing anyone at the moment. I know I
was leading conclusions elsewhere. Sorry
to disappoint.
Dating these days is so complicated, delicate and
convoluted! Truth be told, it’s
exhausting! Sometimes, I just think how much
easier it’d be if I were asexual, and didn’t desire emotional closeness,
affection, romantic love, and companionship.
It sure would make my life less complicated and easier. Yet alas, men are some fine specimens of
handsomeness and this woman can’t resist from the irresistible chemistry I find
myself in, or from engaging in the dating dance! Call me a fool I guess.
One of the first bachelors I found myself involved with was
intense and passionate! Anything that
mattered to him he pursued it with great intensity – even if there was a
conflict between two equal desires.
There was no weighing of what’s more important, he’d simply do it all. Even if that meant no sleep and an obscene
amount of driving – he’d do it! For the
time were talked and dated, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced more consistent
communication via text and calls - multiple times a day, and most days. Don't even get me started on the
feisty banter that happened between us either. With this
fella, I was definitely able to show my sarcastic side – matter of fact he put
my sarcasm to shame in comparison to his. He kept me on my toes for sure!
Some moments of physical affection were just as passionate – and if I’m
honest I was a sucker for it! Presumably
so, and given the level of attraction, I was baffled when said bachelor ghosted
– no rhyme or reason, or explanation - just disappeared. This was my first experience of this new
modern (and somehow totally acceptable) phenomenon. I was dumbfounded to learn of its social acceptance
– a totally normal thing to do! Really, I couldn’t believe how a person could
allow themselves to dismiss someone in such a cold way. Ghosting is really worse than rejection,
because with rejection you at least have a level of closure; not with ghosting. With ghosting there are no answers, no rhyme,
no reason, not a hint or a clue – nothing, just gone!
After accepting the fact that said passionate, sarcastic
gent lost interest I proceeded to the next bachelor. While bachelor number two wasn’t as feisty, I
was still drawn in nonetheless. We
seemed to have plenty in common: an affinity for a particular Bay Area city,
both active and fit, and both had experienced the death of a parent. The attraction and chemistry helped too –
that’s for sure! I found myself
intrigued by this man’s intentional direct communication with most things
serious – full disclosure! He bounced
ideas off a trusted elder about anything significant that was disclosed between
us or that transpired between us; then proceed to follow up with me about some
points of their conversations. He had a
quite façade to him, but an occasional goof ball would emerge. With this guy though, I experienced a side of
myself for the first time, a side (if I’m honest) I was afraid of. Part of me questions the line we walked on,
but part of me also is content with it too.
It’s a weird oxymoron: while I’m not necessarily proud of our actions, I
also don’t regret it either. In a
strange way I think I had to experience these things with this man. And while I have a certain gratitude to this
man for his time and patience, I think we both knew what we need and are
looking for, the other can’t give. So we
parted ways. In all sincerity though, I
wish him well!
Out of all my dating escapades recently one particular guy truly
took me by surprise! One spontaneous
night, one particular gentleman shocked me!
And with all my online profiling, I didn’t meet this one through a daily
match. This one was a familiar
face! A good friend, who I am
comfortable with; and at the end of an eventful night, caught me blind
sighted! He kissed me – like really
kissed me – and I didn’t see it coming!
Let me be clear here: I’ve been kissed plenty of times, and by plenty of
men, but this one left me speechless!
Without any hesitation, without any permission and with the surest
confidence this man grabbed my face and passionately kissed me like I’ve never
been kissed before for the first time! I
don’t think I have EVER felt more desired than I felt in that moment. And in that moment my instincts were rendered
paralyzed! And as the moment continued
and progressed, there was a moment when this gentleman’s breath was taken away
as he pulls away from me, gazes upon me, sighs and utters: “gah,
you’re beautiful!” In that
moment, my heart simultaneously glowed and melted! This man touched, woke, stirred and spoke to
a part of my soul that had yet been trigged.
He spoke to and of my beauty! Let
me reiterate: he didn’t just speak of it, he spoke to it!
Allow me to diverge for a moment: I know I am
beautiful. I don’t say this in a
conceited way, but more in a way of self-love and confidence. Yet like most women, I do struggle from time
to time with my self-image in terms of how I view my beauty. A lot of this struggle stems from my late
father (another story read from this earlier post). Trust me when I say I’ve been told plenty of
times by a number of men of my physicality: “you’re
pretty, beautiful, sexy, hot, gorgeous, stunning, astonishing, cute,” fill
in the blank with any number of adjectives.
However, as many times as I’ve been told by any man of my beauty, never
has it been told to me in such an intimate and genuine manner! The level of beauty I felt – truly felt – I
have never felt before! It was such an
indescribable feeling. In that moment,
having a man just grab me, and moments later sigh in my beauty; to see him have
to catch his breath at the sight of me? I’ve never felt more like a woman then
I did in that moment! Never have I had a moment of physical affection or
intimacy quite like that before. It was
truly romantic!
Since that pivotal experience – this almost and arguably
rite of passage – I do view myself differently, and carry myself differently
because of it. Its exterior effects are
subtle, yet the feeling and thoughts after the fact run deep. While
I knew prior to this experience I am in fact beautiful, there is a deeper
understanding of this beauty as truly seen through the eyes of this man. As I’ve reflected on this moment I wonder
what he saw in me that took his breath away.
Was it the glimmer in my hair; the sparkle in my eye; the softness of my
skin; or the tenderness of my lips? Or
was it something deeper as he looked past and through my grand façade in this
moment of affection? Like I said, I’ve
known this man; he isn’t a stranger. So
what was it he saw differently in me in that moment that made him catch his
breath? I may never know, and he may not
be able to put it into words, but it has unlocked a certain awareness in me
that I also struggle to put to words.
With this profound experience and new awareness – of myself,
my beauty, and my womanhood – I contemplate the power I hold with it. The power or higher level of confidence and
self-awareness that flows from this rite of passage rains, refreshes and molds
the woman I hold myself to be. Audrey
Hepburn once said, “The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but true
beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she loving gives, the passion that she knows.” And while these man’s words to me, spoke of my
outward beauty, the words he spoke to me affects the love I show and the
passion I know. It ripples into my
classroom and to my students; the affects cascades and guides my interactions
with friends and family; the experience flows through and empowers me in my
graduate studies at Loyola Marymount University; it makes me more aware and
selective of other potential bachelors I choose to entertain; it renews me and
reestablishes my knowledge of my beauty, but in a deeper way that I have never
known before. In the moment this man’s
breath was stripped from him was the same moment a certain feminine and sensual
spirit was unlocked in me. To this
moment I am grateful for, and to this man, I say: thank you!
“Nothing makes a
woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.”
~ Sophia Loren
