Friday, January 3, 2025

Anchient Ruins, Curious Children, and a Calling

People often ask me, “What made you want to be a teacher?” I always chuckle because my origin story feels serendipitous - almost accidental. Truth be told, I wasn’t someone who always knew what they wanted to be. In high school, I couldn’t have imagined myself writing a college essay about my sense of direction. Even as I entered community college, I was unsure. But then, by some grace, I stumbled upon a crystal-clear realization.

I remember the day so vividly. It was a perfect spring day in 2006. I had recently turned 20 and was spending the semester studying abroad in Rome, Italy. On a Saturday, our cohort, along with our professors, went on an excursion to Hadrian’s Villa. The sun was warm, the sky impossibly blue, and the ruins hummed with ancient history. My friends and I, carefree college students, roamed the grounds. We snapped photos - what you might call selfies today - and laughed at the nude statues with the unfiltered humor and maturity of our age.


I can tell you exactly what I wore that day: medium-wash flare jeans, a baby blue tank top, and a leather messenger bag studded with turquoise stones. Most of my outfit had been curated during my time in Italy, and I wore it with pride, loving the European influence on my style. My hair fell in relaxed waves, and I accessorized with large hoop earrings, and a carefree heart. As the tour wound down, we strolled toward the charter bus parked a few hundred feet away. I lagged slightly behind my group, enjoying the moment, when a swarm of children suddenly surrounded me. Seven Italian grade-schoolers appeared out of nowhere, their energy infectious. They peppered me with questions in broken English, and I answered them in my equally broken Italian. Their faces radiated pure joy - genuine, sincere, and full of curiosity. As they hung on my every word, something clicked. In that random, fleeting moment, I felt at ease. Comfortable. Content. They had chosen me out of the crowd to approach, and as I answered their questions, I realized how natural it felt to share knowledge, and to connect. And just like that, they scurried off, disappearing as quickly as they had appeared. I stood there, smiling, taking a deep breath. I knew, as I said at that moment, “I’m going to be a teacher.”


That epiphany stayed with me. When I returned to the States after that semester, I proudly declared my major, turning my once-undefined path into a clear road forward. Since then, I’ve never doubted my decision to teach. Do I question the direction of education in the United States? Of course. Do I sometimes worry about the lack of focus, grit, and discipline of many of today’s students? Absolutely. But those are issues for another entry. 


Nevertheless, my confidence in this calling has remained steadfast, and over the years countless moments and people have confirmed and affirmed that teaching is where I belong. I first noticed it while working for the YMCA of San Francisco in after-school programming, or summer camp teens. From white-water rafting trips, to herding city kids through the BART and MUNI systems, those moments and experiences always lit me up.  At the time, I gained quite the reputation of “Storytime with Barbara” among my college friends, as they were always eager to hear whatever silly situation a kid found themselves in, or me recounting a “kids say the darndest things” moment. Friends loved listening, and I equally loved sharing.  The joy and confidence was evident.


When I packed up and moved to the East Coast to start teaching officially in West Philadelphia, my joy remained. And now, 15 years into this career, having transitioned from upper elementary to high school, that joy remains true. It’s the same comfortable confidence I felt on that sunny spring day in 2006 - I truly feel in my element. I feel it in breakthrough moments with my “arch-enemy” students, when a wall crumbles, and real connections are made. I feel it when I pour my heart into creating a classroom environment complete with decorations, couches and even an Alexa, where students feel safe enough to use my room as a kind of “student union,” unloading their frustrations, sharing exciting news, or even just filling me in on the playground gossip - even during my “break.” I see it in the playful banter I share with my students, like when my beloved “Student Tears” mug was one-upped by a cheeky “Ms. Quigley Tears” mug. I had to tip my hat to that kid and laugh. Oddly enough, that “Student Tears” mug mysteriously disappeared. It’s in the harmless pranks I pull that turn into a tradition, and in my students’ hilarious, though often pathetic, attempts to prank me back. It’s in the tough-love pep talks I give to kids on the brink, and holding the line while watching them mature because of it. It’s in the grit required to stay calm when a student curses me out, or when I have to de-escalate a physical tantrum, ushering them to the office with firmness. It’s even in my attempts to keep up with the ever-changing slang, rolling my eyes at its obscurity but sometimes secretly enjoying the challenge - mostly for educational purposes.

Over the years, I’ve heard things like, “Barbara, I’ve never met anyone better suited to be a teacher than you,” or “Ms. Quigley, you’re our child’s favorite teacher.” It’s lines like this that continue to affirm me. Just last June, when I said goodbye to students and families at my previous school, the overwhelming outpouring of love left me speechless and touched - even to the point of tears. And when I’m fortunate enough to stay in touch with students and their families, and to be invited into their lives for big or small moments, it truly is a great honor. They say teaching is a work of heart, and well, given the evidence I’d have to agree. 

All this to say, I’m struck by how this moment back in 2006 came so unexpectedly. Until then, I hadn’t given myself the space to explore what I wanted to do with my life. Growing up as the peacemaker in a chaotic family, I often put others first. As a by-product of this role, shyness was my default, and I simply didn’t have the room to imagine a life beyond what was right in front of me. But that semester abroad changed everything - and honestly it was exactly what I needed. 


It was a time of discovery and witnessing the thrill of life unfolding in ways I’d never experienced before. Images flash through my memory: meeting classmates on the Spanish Steps on any given Tuesday after class, eating tuna salad outside the Colosseum on the weekend, taking a wrong metro route only to lose ourselves in the cobblestoned streets of Rome before finding our way to class. I think of planning my first weekend away to Germany, navigating hostels and train systems, laughing through ridiculous situations with classmates. Or that time I veered off from my group of friends during spring break in Ireland, armed with just a printed email with crumbs of information; and after a train ride, two cabs, half a Mass, and a payphone call to a total stranger later, I found my great-great grandparents’ grave in the quintessential Ireland pasture of Headford. And then there was the night I turned 20: staying up until dawn, bar-hopping, wandering deserted streets through Vatican City at 3 in the morning, climbing to a lookout over the city, and finally ending at an underground bakery. We sat on the curb with our pastries, gazing at the wall of Vatican City, the dome of St. Peter’s just visible over its edge as we watched the sun rise. 

That semester taught me to embrace life and its moments of spontaneity and unexpected joys, but more importantly it taught me to prioritize myself from time to time; outside the role I had growing up. And as it all came to a close on that warm spring day, surrounded by ancient ruins and curious children, I was finally breaking out of my shell and imagining what I wanted for myself - I finally had the time and space that my previous situation hadn't allowed. That semester, and that moment didn’t just shape my career, it shaped who I am.

Friday, November 1, 2024

Nature’s Serenade

Wind as it blows, wind as it chills,
fresh on the skin, a shiver, a thrill.
It clears the mind and rejuvenates the soul,
with whispers that render the weary whole.

Winds are changing, winds are moving,
leaves shift, branches stirring and soothing.
So subtle, so slight, a beauty concealed,
a gift for the eyes of those who yield.

Light as it kisses a peony's blush,
glowing in the morning's quiet hush.
It waltzes across a bed of poppies red,
lifting the spirits where hope has fled.

Rays of sunshine pierce the canopy's maze,
playing peek-a-boo with dawn's warm gaze.
Its depth and reach shape the day's grand scape,
a promise to hearts that ache and ache.

The vault of heaven paints its waking scene,
with streaks of pink, lavender sheen.
And baby-blue clouds like ribbons unfurled,
hope flows anew through a weary world.

Thursday, September 19, 2024

Lineage of Lies

Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


“Oh, get over it!” 

as the scorpion stings my heel, 

and slams me with silence 

its shame so unreal. 

From your poisonous, condescending tongue, 

so dismissive, and disrespectful

where have you sprung? 

Of course, I’m not allowed to show a trace of rage, 

silly me, I forgot, I’m trapped in this cage. 

I’m supposed to be a servant, 

so patient, so still, 

void of reactions to any ill will. 

Pardon me if I question your sincerity, 

when your “I love you” comes with toxic clarity. 

Forgive me, I failed to play the part, 

to switch on my rotting, robot heart. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


The way you forced me into a parent’s role, 

because even now, you neglect his soul. 

My isolation, anxiety, and depression, 

graze at my carcass in a constant procession, 

like vultures that pick apart my weary heart. 

To anyone with eyes, it’s clear from the start 

the negligence you’ve inflicted on him is deep. 

Instead of teaching him how to grow and keep 

responsibility, respect, and decorum intact, 

you’ve let him digress decades, in fact. 

You claim the same sob story, time and again, 

it’s always the fault of circumstance or men. 

He’s faced so much adversity, right? 

The world is out to get him, right? 

Tell me though, what does he have to show? 

Education? No. 

Portion control? Nope. 

Job skills? Of course not. 

Emotional growth? Absolutely forgot. 

Any trace of responsibility? No way! 

Hence why we kept warning you every day. 

We saw his tantrums, we handled them too, 

and begged you to save him from what would ensue. 

Yet still, you defended his ways as divine, 

with “forgive seven times seventy,” your convenient biblical line. 

As if that logic ever worked on a stinging wasp, 

Fool me once - shame on me. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


I’ll never forget how I stood on those steps, 

dumbfounded, depleted, and full of regrets, 

when you screamed at me, 

“Oh, I hate you!” so loud, 

as a swarm of locusts formed a dark cloud, 

devouring my dopamine, and breaking my mind. 

I hadn’t learned yet how to be so resigned, 

to pacify your endless insecurities

I didn’t even know they were there, you see. 

Shame on me for not predicting the sting, 

of how you’d feel, or the hurt you would bring. 

But I was just a child, so young and small, 

and you’ve always been the focus, after all

never me. 

Tell me, do you remember all the countless nights 

You punished me with silence, stripped me of my rights? 

Your cold, blatant quiet, cutting deep like ice, 

In the wake of disagreements, without thinking twice. 

Even in the face of others, you'd never break the freeze, 

Ignoring every olive branch, withholding all your ease. 

You looked right through me, walked right past my plea, 

I know you hear me when I ask, I know you see me bleed.


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


I’m not your marionette puppet anymore, 

you manipulated when I was a girl before, 

bending to every nuance of your mood, 

but I’ve outgrown your attempts to intrude. 

You can’t condition me to neglect how I feel, 

so now you grasp at straws to make things surreal. 

Remember that holiday up by the lake, 

when you didn’t come to my aide, for my sake? 

After I faced a dangerous trek on my own, 

you couldn’t be bothered you left me alone. 

Your martinis took precedence, as always, it seems. 

After a 24-hour ordeal, 

I had needs of finally being allowed to decompress

but of course, that wasn’t your idea of success. 

Like Zero who snapped at Camp Green Lake, 

I snapped at Arrowhead, and I couldn’t fake. 

Cue your dramatic scene, and my needs ignored, 

cue your gaslighting I can’t be restored. 

Because I didn’t blindly follow your cue, 

you couldn’t control me the way you used to. 

I should’ve known, by the rattle’s slight, 

the venomous bite was soon in sight. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


Do you remember 

when you stormed onto the patio’s stage, 

demanding I hang up the phone in a furious rage? 

As if I were still a child in your eyes so unkind, 

all I wanted was to connect, and not to be confined. 

The clan was still preparing, and I was ready to go, 

yet you erupted, made a scene, putting on a show. 

After we were all packed and the car was aligned, 

I was buckled, and ending my call, trying to be kind. 

Insufficient, since you raged through the house, your anger a storm, 

slamming the door, leaving my heart so torn. 

Humiliated, I trudged in with heavy steps of shame, 

begged you to come back, but you only fueled the flame. 

“Oh no, your call was too grand,” 

you hurled guilt my way with a cruel, demanding hand. 

Made to feel bad for my small act of grace, 

while you rejoined with a calm, and pleasant face. 

To me though, you were callous, 

but to the others, you were ever so sweet, 

your sugary charm made me accept my defeat. 

You monopolized the dinner, stole the spotlight bright, 

punishing me with ostracized silence through the whole night. 

At my own send-off, a night meant for my own cheer, 

you seized the moment, spreading venomous fear. 

Publicly torturing my spirit, forcing me to hide, 

your venomous positivity left me mortified.


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


Even when I come to help, 

I’m met with accusations that make me yelp. 

Abruptly and aggressively, you claim I’m rude, 

with a judgmental glare, it’s your attitude. 

That face of disdain you cast my way, 

dagger eyes and pressed lips, a condemning display. 

From how I talk, make suggestions, or even stand, 

everything I do is judged by your harsh hand. 

As if you have a jury to sway to your side, 

I’m on trial, my actions so scrutinized. 

I’m treated worse than the hired help, 

as if my worth’s a minor yelp. 

Thank God the one you hoped would join your band, 

confidently corrected you, taking a stand. 

That’s what you wanted, to drive us apart, 

your reparations inconsistent from the start. 

You nitpicked my time, made it seem less, 

quantifying my worth with no real finesse. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


The way you coldly and blatantly dismissed my illness, 

so disdainfully, twisted it to make yourself the victim, 

with tears for you and guilt to afflict them. 

Because I couldn’t delay my illness, so grave, 

so you could explore the spots you crave, 

it shattered my heart, made me feel small, 

conditioning me to see my needs as a mere trivial call. 

An inconsiderate bother, you made me feel, 

most importantly, my worth you’d steal. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


Recall that moment at the Lake, so stark, 

when you lashed out at us, leaving a mark, 

with guilt-ridden scorn and passive aggression, 

for reasons none of us could fathom or question. 

What gives? We were just preparing breakfast or at ease, 

in the common space, finding our peace. 

Pressed on the cause of your angry display, 

it was clear you’d misjudged in every way. 

Your mistake, your mess, entirely on you, 

but admitting fault was something you’d never do. 

Instead, you deflected with your usual spin, 

claiming “miscommunication” to cover your sin. 

How dare you accuse us of misjudgment and wrong, 

when it’s your ego that’s weak, and so far gone. 

Pathetic and cruel, you played the part, 

while your fragile pride tore us apart. 

Then came the night, a holiday in strife, 

your tantrum erupted, cutting like a knife. 

You couldn’t manipulate or control our thoughts, 

so you screamed and raged, your fury was caught. 

Your pursed lips and disdain, so rigid and proud, 

for our lack of obedience, you screamed so loud. 

Your hollering left me speechless and torn, 

over trivial matters, I felt so worn. 

I remember sinking, head down in despair, 

by the porcelain sink, your cruelty laid bare. 

Stepping outside, to comfort and hold, 

finding her in tears, our pain uncontrolled. 

In each other's arms, we wept through the night, 

gazing at stars, wondering if God saw our plight. 

The next morning, you were bright and clear, 

as if nothing had happened, your transgressions unclear. 

“Get over it,” you might say, “we’re family,” you’d preach, 

but your words fall flat, just out of reach. 

Your defense, “we’re family,” is a cruel disguise, 

a weapon for your ego, as the real truth lies. 

Hypocrite! Your pretense is a veil so thin, 

your cruelty is plain, where do I begin? 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


Let’s not forget that fateful day, 

when you blindsided me in such a way. 

Inviting the clan, a surprise to me, 

You claimed you’d told me, but I did not see. 

“Oh, I’m sure I mentioned it,” you said with ease, 

I braced for questions that I couldn’t appease. 

With a brave face, I hid the scab within, 

each inquiry about him, a fresh pin. 

Two weeks later, I came to confide. 

Our bond had dissolved, I couldn’t hide. 

I needed compassion, a sympathetic ear, 

but you dodged my plea, made it all clear. 

“It’s my house, I’ll invite whomever I choose,” 

“Are you ashamed?” were the words you’d use. 

I forgot, my role is to lift your pride, 

to feed your ego, not to confide. 

You think it’s fine to hurt and dismiss, 

and in the name of respect, that’s your bliss. 

Wondering why I keep my distance and rue? 

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


The hypocrisy you wield, so cruel, so dense, 

shaming me for pressing, with your cold defense, 

“It’s not your business,” you snap, you shun.

But tell me, why isn’t it even your concern? 

Why must I blindly bear the weight you lack, 

picking up the slack you leave in your track? 

You parentified me when I was just a child, 

and now it’s worse, his decline running wild. 

Yet you still claim he’s fine, without a care.

But the cracks are showing, everywhere. 

Due to your neglect, coddling, and enabling, 

he’s grown stubborn, belligerent, and unshakably frustrating. 

Can’t get a word in edgewise without bellowing cries, 

“Let me TALK, LET ME TALK, LET ME FUCKING TALK!” 

In a flash, as I knelt with rage so tight, 

I thought of striking him, but pulled away from the fight. 

Inches from his face, I threw myself back in a desperate embrace. 

My cheekbone slammed the floor as I sobbed in pain. 

Not just for the hurt, but for the parentification strain. 

Curled on the floor, my tears mixed with frustration, 

over the stubbornness and endless aggravation. 

You watched, unmoved, engrossed in your screen. 

Unbothered by my distress or the pain unseen. 

God forbid someone else steps in with force, 

you’d rush to his side, defending without remorse

Where was your energy when I was torn apart? 

Of course, he's your favorite, and I'm the least in your heart. 

No one else has broken me quite like you. 

For with you, it’s endless trauma, a relentless déjà vu. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


Even when grad school lay in sight, 

it couldn’t be about my good flight. 

And even when I got that degree, 

you made sure it wasn’t about me. 

At commencement, your gaze astray, 

withheld your praise and walked away. 

You villainized my every move, 

because I didn’t care to prove 

or parade you 'round 

like a crown on the day that I earned my gown. 

But when the tables turn, I see, 

the rules just don’t apply to thee. 

“Do as I say, not as I do,” 

that motto fits when it’s from you. 

Yet you knew just when to praise another one in a public craze. 

I sometimes think your stings at me are rooted in jealousy. 

I carry the cost of your scars and tears, 

paying the bill that spans the years, 

plus tax and tip and rising fears. 


Damn this pain, this cursed line, 

generations deep, it intertwines. 

How much longer 'til I break free from this chain 

that’s wrapped in misery? 

It’s sly, deceiving, cold, and cruel, 

like a mirage in desert’s duel, 

promising water but feeding lies, 

leaving me parched beneath burning skies.


Contrary to what you may think, 

I still want you to heal, to find joy, to not sink. 

For despite the anger I’ve carried so long, 

I still love you — both feelings are strong. 

Because love and pain, they coexist, 

Neither one cancels the other, both persist. 

But please, no more using me as your shield, 

Your emotional blows — they’ve never healed. 

Believe me when I say my heart was true, 

When I came home early, surprising you. 

I know there’s a part of your love that’s real, 

But the pain you’ve buried, it’s all you can feel. 

It lashes out, it finds its way, 

Even if you don’t know what you convey. 

And though I care, I can’t deny, 

I’m exhausted from this endless try. 

I’ve always wished you’d heal your soul, 

But I can’t stay in this unrelenting role. 

You dodge the mirror that reflects your ache, 

And I can’t stay, waiting for you to wake. 

I love you still, that much is true, 

But I must also love myself too. 

They say that hurt people continue to harm, 

But unlike you, I’ll break this charm.